


only angel

by flymetomanchester



Series: Elder!Phan [1]
Category: Phandom, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alzheimer's Disease, Hurt, Loss, M/M, Memory Loss, elder!phan, older!phan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-13
Updated: 2018-10-13
Packaged: 2019-08-01 11:39:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16283912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flymetomanchester/pseuds/flymetomanchester
Summary: dan never wanted to admit this would happen to them, and when phil no longer remembers who he is, it takes away a piece of him.





	only angel

**Author's Note:**

> this was written for my player's choice on my fic fest bingo card!

Over the years, the memories they had built together and shared were slowly fading from his mind. Every smile and laughter that he once had known so dearly was simply being erased. He hadn't known this was happening himself, but the others around him knew. It hurt them to watch his mind slowly go but they couldn't stop this from happening no matter how much they tried.

Throughout the years, Dan had a fear that had been coming true. He always feared that one day, he or Phil wouldn't remember who the other one was. He feared the memories that they made wouldn't be more than an illusion that only he remembered and sadly this was coming true.

Throughout the years of them and all of their accomplishments, Dan still couldn't shake the fact that some things were out of his control. More so, that things were beyond his ability to fix, just like this was.

Shortly after Phil's sixty-fourth birthday, Dan noticed that things were off to put it quite bluntly. It started small, then grew more and more concerning. Dan would notice Phil would start to misplace items that neither of them was able to find. Typically Phil would get frustrated and annoyed and a few times accuse Dan of stealing from him. Often it lead to fights between the two of them and Phil storming out of the house.

When Phil would get in those moods it scared Dan. He would leave for hours sometimes on end in a fit of rage that worried Dan. Most of the time Dan had no idea where Phil was going or what he was doing when he left. Phil never answered if Dan tried to get ahold of him, so it left them without any sort of contact for who knows how long. Often times Dan would worry that Phil wouldn't come back home, or that something would happen and Dan would never be able to see Phil again.

Dan knew the way he was thinking wasn't fair and possibly even hypocritical. Back when they were younger and he was trying to run from the idea that he had depression he too would disappear for hours on end, scaring Phil half to death. Dan would wander the streets alone, making sure to leave his phone at home so no one could get ahold of him, for the hope that somehow he would get some sort of closure to his problems that would never come.

Yet, the misplacing of items and outbursts was just the beginning of the issues that would follow them. Eventually, things went from just Phil being what seemed forgetful to plain loss. His judgment was becoming poorer and was starting to affect them. It would affect them financially to the point Dan worried they wouldn't be able to crawl out of.

Dan had made sure to save up money that way when the time came, they could retire and have enough to live off of the rest of their lives. Even though they had large amounts of money saved backed, Phil had lost a good majority of it. It started simple and then grew. Not being able to make decisions without difficulty anymore, Phil had ended up donating a huge chunk of their saving to multiple telemarketers, sending them into financial debt.

Unsure of how much more Dan could take, the last straw came a while after. Many things were going downhill and debt was piling on top and Dan couldn't keep up. Phil had trouble Dan noticed of completing simple personal hygiene to where Dan would have to remind him. After the constant reminders stopped working, Dan had to set alarms on Phil's phone to remind him.

But the final straw that sent Dan over the edge was the day he woke up and Phil seemed to have forgotten things. He looked at Dan as if he never met him in his life. Dan had looked at him in utter disbelief and told him who he was, his husband of forty-four years. Phil then nodded and smiled in a way that couldn't convince Dan it was genuine.

Not long down the road, the two learned that Phil had been showing early signs of Alzheimer's. The faith Dan had that everything would hopefully be okay dropped, making him feel sick. He learned that eventually, Phil's memory would be worse than it was now, and there would come a day when Phil possibly has absolutely no memory of Dan. That was the hardest part of all this for Dan. That all the smiles and laughs they shared, he would be the only one who remembered them.

Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months and it was deteriorating fast. There came a day when Dan had to make the harsh decision of whether Phil living at home was safe anymore for him. It took a lot of willpower and time for him to admit that he himself just couldn't provide Phil the constant care that he needed. While at a battle with himself that was trying to get him to change his mind and tell himself that he _could_ do this, Dan moved Phil into a nursing home just down the road.

It was a simple ten-minute walk from their house, but Dan despised having to do it. He wanted to live the rest of both him and Phil's days together, waking up beside each other each day and creating new memories. Now Dan was stuck with a whole past that Phil had no memory of.

Climbing out of bed, Dan walked into the bathroom and rubbed his eyes turning the light on. Catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror, he sighed. "When did I get so grey?" he mumbled to himself, grabbing his clothes off the counter. Using the bathroom counter for support, Dan changed his clothes as quickly as he could at his age.

When he made the decision to move Phil into a retirement home, he made one vow to himself that he never planned on breaking, until the day he physically couldn't. He made a promise that at least four times every week, he would take new pictures to Phil and tell him stories. Pictures that would tell some story of the two of them and the memories that they made together.

Going back into the room, Dan grabbed the selection of photos that he picked out the day before. Photos of dates they went on, just spending time together, and a few that Phil could keep that wouldn't confuse him more than he probably already was.

Every time he makes the short walk to Phil is agony. His feet can't go any faster and he doesn't have the patience to wait any longer. The staff there knew Dan like the back of their hands at this point, so they always let Dan go right back without any questions.

Typically Phil was sat in his room watching the waves crash on the beach from out the window. Dan knows that Phil loved the beach at one point, now he wasn't sure if he did or if he lost that part of him.

Walking back, Dan knocked gently on his door before walking in. Phil turned and looked at him, the same look on his face that Dan was all too familiar with. A look of confusion as to who Dan was and why it wasn't a nurse in his room.

"Who are you?" Phil asked, "Where's Ava?" Dan knew the only reason that Phil remembered his nurse's name is because just like him, each day she has to reintroduce herself to him. Luckily Phil warms up to her and Dan easily and befriends them not knowing he'll forget them the next day.

"I'm Dan, Ava sent me back to keep you company."

Phil sat there for a few minutes before smiling and motioning for Dan to grab a chair and sit beside him. "It was getting lonely watching the waves by myself. Always nice to have someone new with me."

Setting the pictures on the table beside Phil, Dan grabbed a chair and pulled it up and sat down.

"What are these?" Phil asked picking up the photos and looking at one of him and Dan. It was from when they were eighteen, Dan was on Phil's back, Phil smiling like nothing could hurt him and Dan was kissing his cheek. Phil looked at the photo for a bit and then Dan and back to it. "This fellow looks like you."

Dan smiled slightly and leaned to look at the photo as well. "That's because that's me from when I was younger."

"Who is that?" Phil asked, pointing to himself in the photo.

"That's you," Dan smiled at him.

Phil's eyes lit up and he looked from the photo to Dan again. "Me? I was such a handsome lad!" A smile that Dan loved oh so dearly crawled across Phil's face. "I look so happy! How long ago was this taken?"

"About fifty years ago."

"That's such a long time!" Phil looked at Dan, assuming that it was long ago. "You're kissing my cheek, why?"

"We were a couple, you and I were eighteen and on top of the world."

"A couple, like, in love?"

"Yep," Dan smiled sadly looking at Phil. Dan had learned that Phil was always a curious person, and thankfully he didn't lose that part of himself.

"Do you still love me?" Phil asked as a wave of confusion washed over him as to why someone he didn't know was saying they loved him.

"I had been in love with you since I was eighteen Phil, but not anymore, no." A small part of Dan's heart felt as if it was breaking off leaving only a smaller part in its place.

Relief washed over Phil as he smiled. "Okay, that's okay! I'm sorry for whatever happened between us. I'm sure your lovely."

"It's nothing to worry over, sometimes - sometimes things just happen and that's okay."

Phil set the picture down, not bothering to look through the rest just yet. Facing forward, Phil looked out the window and smiled. "The water is so pretty from here. I hope to go down one day and see it closer. I always wanted to feel the water on my feet."

Dan smiled sadly at him, watching his little movements; from the twitch of his nose to the furrowing of his brows. He wished that he could be the one to take Phil down before it was too late but he knew sadly he couldn't. He just wanted to give Phil one more happy day, even though it ached him to know that Phil, yet again, in the morning, wouldn't remember a thing.


End file.
